From: "Irshad Mahmood" <noor.e.islaam@gmail.com>
Date: Oct 28, 2013 3:00 AM
Subject: █▓▒░(°TaNoLi°)░▒▓█ Siraat-al-Mustaqeem Lecture 044-G : Marriage Counseling Lecture 7 of 9 : Divorce
To: <MSHOAIBTANOLI@googlegroups.com>
بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
Marriage Counseling Lecture 7 of 9
by Irshad Mahmood - Global Auliyaa (PRESIDENT), Siraat-al-Mustaqeem Dawah Centre
Divorce in Islaam: Remember the purpose of Marriage is not to do Divorce:
This is the worse hated Halaal, which Allah has made lawful to us, in an extremely difficult situation.
Women may take Separation: Women are not Slave:
And if a woman fears ill usage or desertion on the part of her husband, there is no blame on them, if they effect a reconciliation between them, and reconciliation is better, and avarice has been made to be present in the (people's) minds; and if you do good (to others) and guard (against evil), then surely Allah is aware of what you do. (Al_Quraan_004.128)
Route Cause of all the Anger: Spouses NOT knowing their Responsibilities:
Marriage is neither a joke nor a play, instead it is only for the love of Allah and Sunnah of Rasool Allah (Peace Be Upon Him. In our sweet home we may have been living along with parent, kids and spouse and may have other relatives as well. Islaam teaches LOVE with our parents, spouse kids and other relatives. It will not be love if we try to separate the family. We need to learn how to live all happily and united. Let us take an example of Husband and wife living with their kids and parents. We all have some needs.
1> Need to educate our kids, so we must send them school, timing could be 9:00 AM to 3:00 PM, which needs daily preparation for the school.
2> Treat with the parents in a grateful manner, BUT if parents are very old then we cannot say even a single word of contempt. So who will look after parent while husband is at work?
3> Need many other things for the spouse as well as for myself too.
4> For all of these requirements we need money, for which we need to go and work sincerely.
If all of these requirements are to be done during the day, then how can a Husband go to work, look after parent and kids and do house keeping as well and all at one time, like multitasking. E.g. 9:00 AM must be at the office, 9:00 AM must be at the school to drop the kids, 9:00 AM must be with the parents for the company and also 9:00 AM doing the entire house keeping. It simply means killing the Husband. If wife is intelligent enough then she can share all other during the day time, while husband can concentrate on the work. Husband cannot concentrate on work if his mind is taken away. He will be like living in a torture cell in his own house.
For working women, husband MUST need to share the load from his wife. If they can afford they must go for alternate help, like child day care or other support, of course those will not be free and have to pay the price for each services required.
Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guarded. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly). But if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). For Allah is Most High, Great (above you all). (Al_Quraan_004.034)
And do not covet that by which Allah has made some of you excel others; men shall have the benefit of what they earn and women shall have the benefit of what they earn; and ask Allah of His grace; surely Allah knows all things. (Al_Quraan_004.032)
Lodge them where you lodge according to your means, and do not injure them in order that you may straiten them; and if they are pregnant, spend on them until they lay down their burden; then if they suckle for you, give them their recompense and enjoin one another among you to do good; and if you disagree, another (woman) shall suckle for him. Let him who has abundance spend out of his abundance and whoever has his means of subsistence straitened to him, let him spend out of that which Allah has given him; Allah does not lay on any soul a burden except to the extent to which He has granted it; Allah brings about ease after difficulty. (Al_Quraan_065.006-007)
In Brief: If a wife lives like a house wife, then what ever she gets from her husband is her earnings, e.g. own/rented house, boarding and lodgings etc. and all that is not for free.
How to Avoid Divorce: Keep smiling and showing true love to your spouse. After all, your spouse is a human being and may do mistakes, so keep forgiving him.
Certain words could act as Bullying, and may lead to separation. So always AVOID loose talk, it does not display Love. Hurting your husband MENTALLY, could lead to dangerous diseases like HEART ATTACK, STROKE, DIABETES, BLOOD PRESSURE etc., for his whole life. Say sorry if you think that you are wrong or it is proved that you are wrong.Sometime it is very helpful to say sorry even if you are not wrong. What will you say to Allah on the Day of Judgment, if you are wrong, or even just to say sorry could save you both from Great Mental Torture in your life. I have seen some families have been separated and kids are suffering, which could be avoided with SWEET TONGUE. Generally Husbands need a little peace of mind at home, specially after coming from laborious work. Always say YES to your husband if he is under the boundary limit of the Quraan and Authentic Hadeeth. Usually the problem may start, when the Husband says something and the wife straightly or rudely says NO. If husband is wrong, you may be wrong as well, after all you are also a human being, so try to explain to him at a different time or try different methods, give more examples to explain to him if you feel you are right and keep making duaa for him. If both the spouses are working then that is different issue, and both needs to take care of each other and make duaa for each other as well.
The righteous women are devoutly obedient (Always YES Husband under the limit of Quraan and Authentic Hadeeth), and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. (Al_Quraan_004.034)
Forgiveness is the key element to avoid Divorce and Allah loves forgiveness.
Anger is the Root of all Major Problems including Divorce:
… But consort with them in kindness, for if ye hate them it may happen that ye hate a thing wherein Allah hath placed much good. (Al_Quraan_004.019).
Because of Anger a person may get stroke, heart attack, blood pressure, diabetes and many other dangerous diseases. So do you want to take any of those diseases because of the anger ordo you want to give any of those diseases to your spouse because of the anger? Remember if any of you gets a single disease like that the whole family suffers and the kids suffer the most.
Also a person may do many crimes in anger, like unjust and divorce. So, would you like to get the divorce due to that anger and make your children suffer or other unjust? Remember unjust is very dangerous. Since Allah already warned that any one who do unjust he is a Disbeliever (Ref: Al_Quraan_005.044).
A wife may be in the state of CURSE BY ANGELS till her husband comes out of his anger. Also during in the state of anger all their worships might not be accepted.
… Cause him to sleep in ANGER; the algels will curse her till morning (Bukhari Vol-4, Book-54, Hadith-460).
There may be some women and children who are men's enemy, BUT women and children must AVOID to be in that group, since those may go to HELL for ever and ever only because of that silly act.
O ye who believe! Lo! Among your wives and your children there are enemies for you, therefore beware of them. And if ye efface and overlook and forgive, then lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.(Al_Quraan_064.014)
Spouses must have love and mercy among them. Anger is not a love and mercy or rest.
And of his signs is this: He created for you helpmeets from yourselves that ye might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy. Lo, herein indeed are portents for folk who reflect. (Al_Quraan_030.021)
Possible Solutions to Anger:
Seek refuge in Allah, ask Allah for forgiveness and forgive and hug your spouse with love. It is human nature to become angry BUT don't be angry from your spouse for more than 3 minutes, think positive and remember his kindness to help to forget the anger. Give SMILE and HUG with love and say sorry as well. May Allah protect all us from ANGER. AMEEN.
… But consort with them in kindness, for if ye hate them it may happen that ye hate a thing wherein Allah hath placed much good. (Al_Quraan_004.019).
How to do Divorce: You are only allowed to Divorce, if she does not obey you according to Islaamic Laws. Also you are not allowed to keep her forcefully, if she does not want to live with you.Step 1: First try to resolve verbally with talks and warn your wife.
Step 2: If still your wife does not obey you under Islaamic Laws then leave them alone in their bedroom and don't share the bed for some periods.
Step 3: Final step is to beat them lightly, till she starts obeying you or you decided to do Divorce. Like, if a kid is doing wrong, you slap him, in such a way that he don't do it again. Not on the face and don't even try to break the bone, just for lesson.
Step 4: If still problem is not resolved, then you give First Divorce (Tillaaq) and declare it to close relatives of both sides.
Step 5: Keep your wife in your home, till she fulfills her term (Iddat). During this time you have right to forgive her and starts sharing bed. This will be First Divorce.
Step 6: If still the problem is not resolved then, you need to repeat Step1 through Step 5. Second or Third Time.
After Third time Divorce she will not be Halaal for you at all.
Divorce by Cooling off:
If one is silently separated even inside his home and not reconciling with his wife for four months, and his intention is to divorce on this separation, then it will count as one divorce. That is one of the main reason why many scholars do not recommend on working out of station and living there for more than three months without any valid reason. So try to find the work where you live with your family or at lease you can visit them within three months.
Those who intend to divorce their wives shall wait four months (cooling off); if they change their minds and reconcile, then GOD is Forgiver, Merciful. (Al_Quraan_002.226)
Men protectors and maintainers of Women:
Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guarded. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly). But if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). For Allah is Most High, Great (above you all). (Al_Quraan_004.034)
If you are living in a non-muslim country, after separation, you will need to divide your assets among yourselves as per your country's law, which might not be according to the Quraan. In that case you must tell your wife that as per Quraan the Inheritance Law is different, but I cannot not break the country's law to avoid further consequences and that is totally in your hand, so you will be questioned on the day of judgment regarding this, unless you leave it voluntary in written, since in my assets, I have shares of my parents, kids, and other relatives etc. as well, according to the Quraan. In case of working wife, the situation should be tackle according to earnings of the both the parties and division should be balanced.
028-Islaamic_Inheritance_Law.htm
Responsibilities for close Relatives & Friends:
If you feel that there is some problem going on with husband and wife then, at least one person from husband side and one person from wife side should sit together and try to resolve all the issues. That is one of the reasons why you must need to take concern of your parents and relatives for marriage. Also you get inheritance from your parent and women get more percentage of inheritance from their parent than her husband. And also if for some reason there is separation, where should she go other than her parents? No where except her parent if alive.
And if you fear a breech between them twain (the man and wife), appoint an arbiter from his folk and an arbiter from her folk. If they desire amendment Allah will make them of one mind. Lo! Allah is ever Knower, Aware. (Al_Quraan_004.035)
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Irshad Mahmood
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